I began having leg pain in 1992 when I was 20 years old.  It was a strange pain that I would notice when I was pressing my foot on the accelerator in the car.  I had a bone scan that showed a hot spot on my tibia.  I was diagnosed with a “stress fracture” and ran around in a cast, a boot, and a leg brace for almost a year with no improvement.  A tiny lump started to appear in my x-rays and my doctor felt it was probably new bone growing in to repair the fracture.  The lump grew VERY rapidly and I was referred to an orthopaedic oncologist.

Surgery was scheduled immediately to remove the lump and the frozen section came back negative!  Unfortunately when I went back a week later to have my stitches removed I was told the biopsy was positive and I was diagnosed with Periosteal Osteosarcoma of the right tibia in October of 1993.

Treatment: I had limb salvage surgery a few days later.  Most of my tibia was removed and replaced with a metal rod.  I had a bone graft from my own hip.  Ouch!   I was in a wheelchair for a while, then crutches, and after physical therapy I was walking normally again.  My major recovery took about a year.  Although the situation interrupted my college career, it definitely made me realize that I was a much stronger person than I ever thought I was.

Life Now: My life is good and i guess you could say normal.  The GREAT news is that I just got married to the love of my life in November 2008.   I love gardening, reading, surfing the web, ans spending time with loved ones.  Believe it or not, I even performed in a circus, juggling and WALKING a tight rope!

I am so glad I found this site.  I wish it was around in ‘93!  I am thankful it is here now to support new patients.  It is so hard to find information about sarcoma.

I definitely always have the cancer in the back of my mind, but in a way I am glad I had the experience.  It’s hard to explain.

Diagnosis: I was diagnosed on May 22, 1996 at the age of 25 with osteogenic sarcoma of my right distal femur. My diagnosis came 2 days after a bone biopsy. My story goes like this:

In the summer of 1993, with visiting family in CA, a sudden sharp pain overcame me along the back of my right knee/thigh area. The pain came and went so I didn’t think much of it. Thought maybe just a strain or stepped wrong. Upon returning home the pain worsened and I figured better safe than sorry so I went to see an orthopedic specialist. After visiting 2-3 different orthopedic doctors a small bone tumor was revealed through x-ray and then confirmed by an MRI in April 1994. At the time it was felt to be a benign non-ossifying fibroma. With little knowledge about bone tumors my orthopedic, Dr Fletcher, felt it was best to watch it and wait. Seemed like nothing was helping, did PT, anti-inflammatories, and rested my leg as much as possible. Out of frustration I decided to just deal with the pain and swelling. Two years later the pain had worsened, becoming unbearable at times, causing me to return to my orthopedic. A repeat MRI showed slight tumor growth with irregular margins. So a biopsy was schedule for a month later, the longest month of my life.

On May 20, 1996 I had a bone biopsy done. Two days later on the 22nd I was diagnosed with high-grade osteogenic sarcoma of my right distal femur. The day of my diagnosis was a whirlwind of activity. I was off for chest x-rays, chest CT, bone scan, blood work, and met with my oncologist, Dr Weissman, in Latham NY. The following week I met with my orthopedic oncologist, Dr Springfield, at Mt Sinai Hospital in NYC.

Treatment: Two weeks after my diagnosis I had surgery to put in a port and started chemotherapy. Neo-adjuvant chemo was 2 cycles high dose Methotrexate with Leukovorin rescue. Which were 5 days in the hospital, scheduled 2 weeks apart. Then came 3 cycles of Adriamycin/Cisplatin combo (YUCKY!!!) administered at my oncologist’s office each 3 weeks apart, finishing that course in late August.

Limb salvage surgery was September 10, 1996. Consisted of radical resection of my right femur with osteoarticular allograft, patella replaced, and short head of my quadriceps muscle resected. I was in a long leg cast for 2 months and then a custom long leg KFO block brace for another 3 months. After surgery I spent 10+ months on crutches, started with no weight bearing then toe touch, to 75% in June 1997 and finally walked with a cane in July. Adjuvant chemo began in October 1996, ending with 3 cycles of Ifosfamide. Again 5 days in hospital given 4 weeks apart. On December 7th I turned 26. And on Dec 13th I finished my last chemotherapy. What a way to celebrate the holidays and bring in the New Year.

My hospital experiences were difficult. At 25, I was no longer a pediatric case so all my treatment was given on the adult ward. Which consisted of mainly dying elderly patients. Not a fun experience at all. My first 2 treatments were like living in a time warp. My second treatment ended with an early 1 am breakout. Couldn’t take it anymore. Felt like I was living in a fog in extremely slow motion. Just wanted to be at home in my own bed. The doc loved that wake up call. LOL! My last 3 chemos were at a hospital my oncologist visited. What a wonderful experience. The nurses treated me like one of their own. I had a private room, special meal requests, slept with my door closed, kicked out the maids, my doc wouldn’t wake me but rather do all his rounds then come back to me, he even made special trips to see me, I ruled the floor. I became the “queen of 3S.” At times it was lonely as everyone was working and carrying on their lives while I was fighting for my life. But I made it through. No worse for wear.

Recovery: Well, one could consider me a physical therapy “lifer” at this point. LOL! My therapy began in Dec 1996 and has been going strong ever since. Since my limb salvage surgery I’ve had 5 knee surgeries: 12/97 TKR (total knee replacement), 4/98 removed cement that leaked in TKR surgery OOPS!, 6/01 lateral patella release, 2/04 TKR revision – replaced plastic components to TKR, and my latest 12/04 – partial TKR, lateral release, and button on patella. [Click here to see my x-ray.] Can yah see why PT is still part of my life? Plus, in between I’ve managed to severely sprain my left ankle and a wild spill off my bike while off-road biking, all with a sprained ankle resulting in a rotated pelvis and tail bone that to this day is off about 1 inch to the right side. So I’ve managed to have a bit of fun that changes up my therapy needs. Takes the focus off this damn knee at times. My orthopedic oncologist says he’s ready to “take me out back and shoot me.” LOL! I love that guy. Not sure he realizes how much I appreciate all he’s done and continues to do for me. I’m his nightmare patient. He also says patients are discharged when there x-ray files weigh more than the patient, which is about true in my case. LOL! Guess someone needs to keep him on his toes. Right?

Life Now: The key is I am ALIVE. Life now is still filled with a lot of medical “stuff.” Most of my time is spent running to doctors appointments and dealing with long term effects of dealing with cancer. Although, I have two wonderful dogs Zephyr and Sheba, who I enjoy spending lots of time playing with. Needless to say I do not work. I did go back to school after treatment and have my BS in Biology graduating in Dec 2002. I also have an A.A.S. in Criminal Justice. Maybe one day I’ll get to use it. I’m thinking pharmaceutical rep. maybe? My passion is working with other cancer survivors, especially young adults. But I’m so not into going back to school to start over again. I volunteer at a local Gilda’a Club that recently opened. It’s like a second home to me, very welcoming and inviting. Which is adding purpose to my life.

Even with all the changes that have taken place in my life due to my cancer diagnosis I wouldn’t give it back. Sounds crazy but it’s true. The people and opportunities I have had over these past 9 yrs have been extraordinary. I’ve been places, done things, and learned more about myself as a person than I probably would have otherwise. My mom was my rock during treatment: living with me, carting me back in forth to treatment, caring for me day and night, and being my emotional support. My dad has been my rock after treatment: helping me financially by giving me a roof over my head, car to drive, and helping with medical expenses, while offering as much emotional support as a dad can. It’s because of all those people who took time out to help me during my cancer experience that I’ve made it this far. Some of my fun adventures have been – living with my gram in OH for 5 months and being with her during her death, several trips to Miami beach and cruise to the Bahamas, a trip to Ireland, several trips to CA to visit my older sis and her family (4 nephews and a niece). My most recent trip to see them was this past October (2004) where I witnessed the birth of my sister’s fifth child, my nephew Michael. More adventures include several yearly trips to OH to visit family and friends, summer trip to San Diego, getting to spend lots of time with my best friend Kristi and her husband Paul, and much more.

Thoughts and Hints for New Patients: My advice to you – Take one day at a time. Laughter is truly healing to the body, mind, and soul. If possible find someone to connect with who understands what you’re going through. Know that all your thoughts, emotions, fear, anxieties, etc., are normal. Listen to your body. You are the best indicator of how you feel and your best advocate. So ask the tough questions and don’t be afraid when necessary to demand answers. Don’t settle for anything less than what you deserve. Choose doctors who are not only top in their field, but are also warm compassionate souls. This will go a long way during and after treatment. Don’t stress over the little things. Set goals. No matter how big or small and cross each off when you have accomplished it. Keep a journal and/or scrapbook. Great for reminiscing and when need pick me up. Remember no one’s life is guaranteed. We’re just the special people whom got to learn this before it was too late. Live life to the fullest as everyday is a gift.

It is possible to live after an experience with cancer. Maya Angelou wrote “Surviving is important, but THRIVING IS ELEGANT.”

Update (February, 2009): Since I last reported not much has changed. I have undergone several more surgeries: 12/05 removal of calcification in popliteal area (behind knee). I fractured the allograft bone and there was loosening of the cement along the rod in my femur which led to surgery in 2/08 – removal of plate and screws in femur and allograft bone, revision to total knee replacement (TKR), and insertion of partial prosthetic femur and long rod extending up near hip joint. For some reason this surgery didn’t go very well. My body rejected the metal prosthesis which led to another surgery where they did another revision and cemented the rod in my leg in 4/08. I am currently waiting for my next surgery due to the loosening of cement around the rod in my femur. Not sure what my doc will be doing. I’m still going to physical therapy regularly and other maintenance dr. appointments. I’m praying that this next surgery will be it for a long while. I’m itching to get on with my life. I’m still not sure what I want to be when I grow up but I’m sure it will come. One of the best thing that has happened to me since my last report is that my pain level has drastically decreased with the Feb. 08 surgery and removal of the allograft bone. With the Lord’s help I am living each day as it comes. My spare time is spent attending church, bible studies and hanging out with a core group of special friends and of course my family and dogs.

I actually knew I had a tumor in my leg, because when I was 12, I cracked it while I was running. The specialist at that time said that it was benign and not to worry about it, because something that is benign would not turn malignant; so life went on. In January of 2003, my shin and knee were extremely swollen and I began to have daily pain that would even wake me up at night, but being the stubborn person that I am, I didn’t actually go into the doctor and complain until June 2003. Eventually I was referred to a specialist who (in August) said the best thing to do was a biopsy so we know what we were dealing with. A week after the biopsy I was told it was Osteosarcoma. I was actually told on a Friday and by Monday I had an Oncologist, was in the hospital on Wednesday having a catheter placed in my chest and was to report on Monday morning for my first round of chemotherapy. The first day of chemo was September 19, 2004. WOW what a week! The initial tests done were an MRI, CT scan, Bone Scan and many different X-Rays. It all happened so fast – I actually don’t know how I handled it.

Treatment: I had 7 rounds of chemo before surgery. The chemos were Doxorubicin, Ifosfamide, High dose Methotrexate with Leucovorin rescue, Cisplatin. I had about 3 weeks off before surgery so I would have enough strength to make it through. Surgery was on January 6, 2004. I had limb salvage surgery which consists of inserting a titanium rod into my femur, taking out my knee and replacing it with a prosthetic knee and removing my tibia and in it place titanium rod. Basically I am titanium from 3 inches above my knee all the way down to my foot. I was in the hospital for 7 days, pretty much drugged and was not allowed to bare any weight on my leg until March. Two weeks after surgery I reported back to my oncologist for the next 13 rounds of chemo. Same as listed above plus Etoposide. Out of the 13 rounds I was suppose to have I only had 5 because my body would know longer recover after each treatment. My blood counts would remain too low and the risk of infection was to great so my doc and I decided we would have to take the chance and end chemo. YEAH, that was actually a good thing as far as I was concerned. My last chemo was June 23, 2004.

Recovery: In March 2004 I began physical therapy — OUCH! I am still in it! I have lost a lot of mobility. I can not bend my knee past 90 degrees. I can’t make it completely straight. I can walk, but I still have a lot of pain so walking is not the easiest thing to do. I probably will never be able to run, jump, squat, kneel, crawl…anything having to do with the knee. I am still missing a lot of feeling through my shin and ankle, but that might not stay that way my docs are not really sure. To this day I continue to walk with a brace, because my knee will buckle pretty easily, especially when I am tired. I cannot bend it enough to go up or down stairs, but I am constantly trying and working on that. I end up with back and hip pain because I tend to swing my leg out to the side when I walk which messes up my gait pattern, so my PT works a lot on my back and trying to keep it aligned. Currently in PT, I am working on regaining my balance and coordination. I was to be pretty good at both those things, but now my PT and I fall over laughing when I try to do something new and I about fall over. It is pretty funny and entertaining! I actually like going to physical therapy. Even though it is painful I feel as though I am working on improving myself so it is rewarding and I feel good for going!

Every three months I have my CT scan of my lungs and X rays done of my leg to check. Knock on wood – everything so far has been great!

Life Now: Things are definitely different now. I can’t say in a bad way though just different. I miss things that I use to be able to do like playing volleyball, sitting in the back seat of the car (I can’t bend my knee enough now to sit in the back), and jumping or walking without pain. But I have learned so much more out of life. I enjoy going to work. I enjoy friends and family. I enjoy who I am now and what I have accomplished with my life. I listen to friends or family complain about things that now I feel are just not worth thinking about. I listen to people at work complain about being there and my thought is work is the best place on earth. I was off for so long, still not back full time, but I am happy that I am able to work and not sleeping all day because of medications, or stuck in the house because I was Neutropenic, or (worse) stuck in the hospital for weeks at a time because of infections, low blood counts or blood pressure being so low that everytime I would put my head up I would pass out. I don’t miss those days, but those days taught me how to cherish what I do have in my life. To live each day – not in the past and not in the future. Your life does change, and after treatment is almost as hard (if not harder) to deal with than during treatment, because your life does change. But you learn how to live again, hold your head high, and yell that you are a SURVIVOR!

Thoughts and Hints for New Patients: Just take each day as it comes. I thought that once I knew what to expect from the chemos that I would be able to plan for it each time I had a repeat. But the more chemo I had the more different my body would react to it. I would never know what to expect (in my situation) even though it was the same chemos same doses. At the beginning I tried to be “strong” and fight through the nausea, vomiting, fatigue and all the other wonderful side effects but then I realized there is no reason to fight through it. TAKE MEDICATIONS to help RELIEVE THE EFFECTS!!! If one doesn’t help, ask for another. I definitely ended up with my favorites! I also learned to listen to my body. If I was tired, I slept. If I was hungry, I ate. The best thing is try to eat healthy, but in my case healthy foods would just make me sick. I always craved McDonald’s cheeseburgers and Taco Bell Tacos, so when I was able to eat, that is what I ate. It was better to eat something instead of nothing, so let your body tell you what it needs. And probably most important: talk to your doctors, feel comfortable with them, you see them a lot. Ask questions and get answers. Have a way to contact them (and the chemo nurses too), they become a huge part of your life – mine still are!

Update (February 2009): Since diagnosis in 2003 and surgery in Jan 2004 things have been challenging. A year after my limb salvage I had to have another surgery on my knee which was for replacing the patella- in other words putting a plastic button between my knee cap and the titanium knee. We thought that would fix the constant pain that I was in, when in actuality it solved one problem just to realize I had more than one spot that was painful. Struggled through that recovery and was still not getting better in regards to pain or mobility so after another year of tests and scans it was finally determined that I had a cyst growing behind my knee. The more the cyst grew the more it compressed my nerve against the titanium, so once that was discovered I had another surgery to remove that and to explore the functioning of the nerve that was being squished. That was in Nov of 06. Once again started a different routine for PT and worked hard at regaining some mobility, then a few months later during a routine ct-scan a spot was found on my lung. Everyone was convinced that it was “just a spot” because it had been so long since I had had treatment and the possibility of it being a met that far along was small. We watched it and a couple months later at a follow up ct scan it doubled in size. My doc didn’t like that it was growing although still thought it was nothing to worry about but he wanted to take it out. So in March 07 went in for another surgery and had the spot removed. Found out a few days later that it was definitely a MET, but clear margins were obtained and at this time that was all that needed to be done. A month after that had another surgery on my knee to remove the scar tissue in hopes that would help decrease my pain.

So I guess to some it up I have constant pain in my knee. I can only bend it about 60 degrees on a good day and have tons of problems with walking do to pain and the inability to bend my knee. We are not sure why I have so much pain.

Throughout all of that though and the continued doctor visits and surgeries and questions I have met the love of my life and we married in 08. We also found out that we are expecting a baby in March 09, which came as a COMPLETE shock to us because I was always told that due to the chemo I probably would not have kids. It goes to show that things just happen especially when you least expect it. Pregnancy has been hard because of course the pain is still there and now I can not take any of my pain medications and there have been some new issues with my leg that I think are effects of what my body is trying to do to support the baby, but overall the baby is looking healthy and growing like a weed already–just can’t wait for him to be here.

All of my docs talk to each other and they continue to support me and my situation to the fullest. I feel so confident that they are all working together to make sure that the baby gets here safely and that my health and leg well being is all part of plan. I think it is VERY important to make sure you have a good relationship with you doctors and that you are able to talk to them about anything.

Hello, I am a 10 year Cancer Survivor. The medical term for my cancer is Ewing Sarcoma: peripheral primitive neuroectodermal tumor.

My journey begins with a layer of denial. The year of 1995 involved hours with orthopedic doctors. My lower back pained me but they said it was all in my head; stress was the diagnosis. I’d exercise more, take 8 vicoden a day, and be back in the doctor’s office for a shot of cortisone. January 26, 1996 I called my parents. My dad answered, I wished him happy birthday and asked to speak to my mom. Mom got on the phone, I told her I refused to take anymore pain killers. The pain had reached such agony I needed their help to get me to an emergency room. The pain was so great I couldn’t walk on my own.

Mom and dad drove me to a nearby emergency clinic where I was swept right past others to the back. My vital signs were a concern to the intake nurse. What are the odds that the ER doctor that day was the same doctor I’ve been seeing for the last year, the cortisone, and vicodin man. He actually acted upset and asked me what I wanted? Turning to my mom, I asked her to get me back home now, keep me alive for the weekend while I searched for a better reputable doctor. By Monday the insurance company allowed me to be seen by a neurosurgeon, that evening, at 5 pm.

Surgery and Recovery: Dr. Sanford observed the MRI along with the agony of pain I presented and scheduled surgery the next day. The original surgery was for a lumbar laminectomy for a herniated L5-S1 disc performed Tuesday, January 31st. During the operation he surmised this was bigger then just a herniated disc. The doctor closed the surgery. He had me transferred to another hospital where on February 2nd I was re-operated for a sacral tumor to be excised.

When the second surgery was over, the doctor walked to the waiting room to speak to my fiancé, mother, and father. He told them he was sure the tumor was malignant but slides of the tumor will be sent for a more definitive diagnosis.

I awoke in the ICU, where I finally learned why I had so much pain. A 2.4 X 2.6 X 2.8 cm tumor mass had wrapped itself around the S1 vertebra and included the left S1 nerve root. During the excision of the tumor they had to cut the nerve, leaving my left foot paralyzed. My energy went into finding another route to get that foot to move. The next 3 months, with physical therapy and family support it was all about getting back to a “normal life”. Which I did. By mid April I returned to work as an 8th grade science teacher. By then I walked with the aide of a cane.

Diagnosis: April 1996, a Thursday night, I was watching ER when the phone rang. The neurosurgeon called me, after 9 p.m. He apologized for calling so late but the results of the tumor indicated a possible brain cancer. He wanted me in tomorrow morning for a CT of the head. I immediately called my parents.

The CT of my head came back normal, but by then the tumor results had been revised. This time the pathology report came from the University of San Francisco. They concurred with an extradural small cell malignant tumor, possibly extraosseous Ewing ’s Sarcoma. I was to report to the local hospital to receive my treatment.

Treatment: The protocol was a 56 week treatment. 5 days in the hospital given Ifosfamide and Etoposide, 3 weeks later back in for Vincristine, Cyclophosphamide, and Adriamycin. At week 9, radiation began with chemotherapy. They called this the sandwich effect; I called it the zombie stage. A total dose of 6660 cobalt cGy equivalent was delivered to the S1 vertebral body in 37 fractions over 37 treatment days and 52 calendar days. Subsequently a 2700 cobalt cGy equivalent proton boost was delivered to the S1 vertebral body.

In medical terms this often reduced my blood cell counts to .8. I want to thank everyone who has ever donated blood and I send a hug to those who have donated platelets. I felt like a new woman whenever I received those transfusions.

It was time for the denial to melt away. I had no time for anger. My journey fluctuated between depression and acceptance. My fiancé accepted me the way I was, he still wanted to marry me. We did not marry on our intended date of June but the weekend before chemotherapy started. That way I had wedding photos with my original hair. He and I only called our parents that Friday night to invite them to the ceremony on April 28, 1996. We imagined 5 of our close family in attendance. When I walked down the aisle of the church it was filled with over 100 loved ones. They had called our friends and other family members and even coordinated food back at the house with a DJ.

My 3 earth angels continued to support me through that incredible protocol. My mom and dad would stay with me during the day in the hospital; my husband would relieve them and stay with me through the night. He would then go to work and my parents would come back to cover the next day. My mom lost her job because the time she took off to be with me. Dad was “downsized”; he had to deal with his emotions of loosing a job and a real possibility of loosing his oldest daughter.

Life now: It is amazing now how some of my fondness memories have come from this nightmare of Ewing Sarcoma. Today I am considered a 10 year survivor. So is my husband, my mom and dad, my siblings, and those who choose to be apart of this journey. I have worked hard to attend numerous 5K walks raising money for cancer research. While in the hospital I created a bucket list – the list of adventures I want to accomplish before I, well, you know. This last month I reached one of those goals, I participated in a 60 mile, 3-day, cancer walk-a-thon. Once again, at the end of those grueling miles were my husband who gave me a rose, my parents with tears in their eyes hugged me, and my sister who walked with me over the finish line. I choose to live life to its fullest!

We have all chosen to be better as a result of Ewing Sarcoma.
We are better at loving each other without judgment.
We are better at appreciating the precious moment.
We choose to recognize the gift we have in life.

Thoughts and Hints for Patients: I am amazed at the amount of emotions I went through! At first the anger kept me thinking about the strawberry shakes I avoided to keep healthy; I never smoked; I didn’t like to drink alcohol…I worked out 5 times a week. Suddenly I felt like smoking, getting drunk, and drinking strawberry shakes. I was even surprised at how much I did not want to die. I played the bargain game, hey God let me live and I will never complain about a bad hair day again. Little did I know that bargain was going to haunt me in the coming weeks of being bald. You know I never really drank or started smoking…however I do have strawberry shakes whenever I want to!

Diagnosis: I was diagnosed with Ewing’s sarcoma at age 29, six months after my marriage to my partner Elizabeth.

I have to know things for myself before I can really hear it from others and this is how it was with cancer too. I was working with various healers on my growing pain for months and there were many times where people in the medical field had a chance to catch my illness but didn’t. I had a significant dream and some intuitions but I didn’t know how to trust them. Finally we noticed that my eyes were dilating differently from each other (nerve damage from the tumor that went unnoticed for months), and I went into action.

I believe that it was hard for other people to see what was happening because I wasn’t ready to show them, let alone show myself. I have directed the shape of this journey the whole way, taking in the information available to me as soon as I was ready and then responding with my best.

Once I had my first chest x-ray it was clear I was in trouble and everyone sprang into action. I wasn’t expecting so much help in finding doctors and lining things up. Once I knew it was Ewing’s I also immediately started lining up a second opinion. Turns out the specialist in town was a horrible fit for me, so we went with the Mayo Clinic and were very happy there. The first weeks, still in pain, enduring fatiguing tests, and not knowing what will happen were definitely the worst.

Treatment: I fought cancer with everything that I had. I am an artist and spiritual seeker and these were my most important guides and healing therapies. I made art about my cancer, about mortality, and about healing. These projects gave me little bursts of energy and helped me share my journey with others.

I invited my friends and family to walk closely with me throughout my treatment. I sent emails out with each round of treatment and these were super-important for all of us and deepened many of my friendships. People brought us meals, went grocery shopping for us, sent oodles of cards, sat with me during treatments and this was really helpful and meaningful for both them and us.

I had chemotherapy and radiation. After my first round of chemo my pain disappeared and the bulge in my neck disappeared. Because of the location, surgery was very risky so we chose radiation. With such a large mass they explained that I’ll always have some lingering scar mass.

My chemo alternated between Doxorubicin/Vincristine/Cyclophosphamide and Etopocide/Ifosphamide. The protocol was for 14 rounds but my body could only take 10. Radiation was concurrent to chemo. I had one surreal experience where I was in the hospital getting my chemo during the end of my course of radiation and the head doctor came in and explained she thought the chemo/radiation combination was too dangerous for me. So she unplugged me and sent me home. It was a reminder that doctors don’t agree and as much as we all want to do the right thing so we get well, the right thing is not always clear.

Guided imagery played a huge role in helping me accept the chemotherapy and radiation treatments rather than fight against them. I found meditation a good alternative to napping (even though I was super-fatigued, my mind was always too busy for sleep). I had several blood transfusions.

Towards the end of treatment I was getting exhausted from the constant fight songs in my head. I had this intense week where I felt like I was falling apart inside and couldn’t keep up the fight. But now I see it as a huge turning point in my treatment and healing, in fact the place where my real healing began. I let go and trust a lot more now.

Recovery: My recovery was slow, with improvements and plateaus. I went back to work quarter-time after three months and increased my hours very, very gradually. Twelve months after treatment I finally had distance enough to grieve all that had happened. At 15 months from treatment I started feeling free of fatigue. Eighteen months later I was in weight-lifting classes and staying out late dancing, feeling like an ordinary person.

At about 2 years since radiation the sense of dense cloudy energy I felt around the radiated area is finally dissolving. I am more tense and tender on that side still and am careful about my sun exposure. I am bringing the sun parasol back into fashion.

I spent a long time writing and illustrating a semi-formal journal/scrapbook about my cancer experience. For example, I took the time to research the source of all my drugs and how they worked, stuff I couldn’t think about while I was enduring it all. I’ve also put together my beliefs about healing and wellness, and thoughts about how my world view has shifted. This project has been a really important part of my recovery.

Life now: When people ask me how I am now I say “better than ever.” Not only do I have my strength back, but I also feel so much more happy and free in myself. The future is always uncertain but I take refuge in knowing that my inner work, my happiness, my deeper relationships are real and cannot be taken away from me. I say “I love you” much, much more often now than before I got sick. Believe it or not, I trust life more now and my ability to deal with whatever comes my way. I have a much stronger sense of purpose in life.

I still work for the same organization. About six-months after my return I applied for a more responsible position there and it feels good to use more of my strengths. There’s less room for holding back in life now! I’m also really excited about my study of traditional dances from Eastern Europe and am developing my sideshow as a dance teacher.

My partner Elizabeth and I feel like we came out of cancer stronger together. Compared with (or perhaps because of) some of the healing work I’ve done around trauma, cancer was in some ways easier for us. We are in the process of starting a family through adoption.

Thoughts and Hints for Patients: Assemble a healing team for yourself. This not only includes excellent doctors but also people who can help you in the other aspects of your healing that are important to you: pastors, listening friends, therapists, etc.

People are often eager to support you. Asking for help is a gift to them.

Trust your inner wisdom. You know the most about yourself and what you need. You are in charge of your own journey.

While with cancer there is danger, there is also opportunity.